Dropping the armor
"The most crucial challenge of being human is to show up like a rose"
It was late in the day. I was sobbing the way children do. That inconsolable, unbearable, dramatic grief. I was carrying feelings too big for my little body and I needed to be soothed. I walked over with my arms open, reaching out to be held...the way children do. Hug me, I pleaded, without any words.
I never got that hug.
It's a feeling of rejection that is so deeply coded in my being. It’s my deepest childhood wound.
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Lately, I've been feeling the heaviness of the protective armor, the impenetrable shield I've built around myself. I've been so keenly aware of how closed off I am and the various ways in which that manifests in my life. In relationships and friendships - how difficult it is for me to accept love. To trust. How uncomfortable it is for me to accept a compliment or a kind gesture. To lean into support and ease. In my creativity - how much I have to push through to feel worthy of sharing and taking up space. To see myself as a creator. With this protective shield, I carry a deep avoidance of truly being seen.
And so, I’ve been digging around. Noticing.
What is so unsettled in me that I don't want exposed?
What is it that I don't want you to see?
What am I hiding?
What am I afraid of?
I find myself, time and time again, back at that moment - with that child and that hug. Vulnerability peeking through my suit of protection. Softness lurking behind my shield, wanting to melt into steady, supportive hands.
Wants.
Needs.
Comfort.
Softness.
Support.
Ease.
I've suppressed these parts of myself for so long that it’s easier to run and hide when they come up. It’s safer to go back in my room and avoid those needs than it is to expose any of that and relive that rejection. It’s easier to pull my chin up and walk steadily past all of that. Shield in hand. That’s what I’ve known as a safer space.
I was recently reminded that growth is not always about new actions or new choices. There is tremendous growth in just noticing the patterns. Notice when you want to close up. Notice when you are protecting by avoiding. Notice your desire to experience people and experiences more openly, more freely, with less fear and how you pull back. Notice that there is so much worthy of being seen. Trusting that whatever comes up when you drop the armour, you can handle.
It’s a simple but powerful prayer - Help me to remain open.
Reading:
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. I believe that books find you exactly when you need them. This brought me a level of awarness I know I needed for the next phases of my life. It begins by walking you through your relationship with your thoughts and emotions, helping you uncover the source and fluctuations of your inner energy. It then delves into what you can do to free yourself from the habitual thoughts, emotions, and energy patterns that limit your consciousness.
Streaming
How to Build a Sex Room very few times have I felt that my sex life is too “vanilla” but this show definitely makes me want to explore kink more. Well…and wealth. Who paid for these rooms?
Indian Matchmaking: “Sima from Mumbai” has my heart. Firstly, because she introduces herself as “Sima from Mumbai” in every meeting, in every episode and I find it hilarious and endearing. There is something about watching the arranged marriage process within this generation that is so fascinating and entertaining to me. I love the interviews with older couples that were arranged and have been together for decades. Heartwarming.
Virtual Reality Hell: The Amanda Rabb Story: 2 part story on YouTube about a young homeless, drug addict who was used as a test case for exposure therapy in virtual reality. This is the story of the potential scam and tragedy that ensued. Wow.