for me, for fun, for play
My arms felt like bricks
A white light running through my blood
I was everything at once
child
water
tree
red
light
ball
river
head to toe
tingly sensations
and then
the drop…
"are you having enough fun?"
There it was.
I've been meditating for over 10 years now and I'm still amazed at the clarity in which messages come through and the varying depths of the meditative experience. This one really stuck with me. It led me to other questions:
Are you creating enough?
Are you risking enough?
Are you venturing enough?
Are you adventuring enough?
Are you in the game or are you on the sidelines?
What would it look like if it you took up more space?
What if you dreamt a bigger dream?
What does fun look like for me now?
Which parts of my week aren’t built out of social responsibility, but purely for my play - for my enjoyment?
What are things that I do solely for my satisfaction?
What does expansion actually look like and why does it feel uncomfortable?
I often think about this one conversation with a girl named Priscilla in high school. Union Square, New York City, we’re working on a group project. I turned to the window and told her I wanted to leave class and ride around the city in a limo drinking champagne. She looked at me perplexed. I come back to this moment because some days I feel like I’ve lost touch with that version of me and I want to spend more time with her. By her I mean playful, imaginative, seeker.
If we really exist in multiple parallels, where is that version of me now and how do I reach her? Am I doing enough of things to break up the monotony?
I’m reminded of a depressive episode where an ex boyfriend woke me up and surprised me with champagne and a random trip to the aquarium to break out of the funk. It was fun, spontaneous and helped shift the energy.
All of this reflecting has forced me to recognize that this isn't a rehearsal. We’re really in it and we’re responsible for making this an adventure. There is a version of you that's questioning if you're having enough fun and there's the version that's having said fun. Choose a more interesting story. Choose to play with life.
So for weeks now I have been intentionally choosing paths that tug at one of these questions, inching me slowly towards more expansion.
I bought a new sketchpad and busted out my markers, doodled for hours to reconnect with my creativity.
I walked into the nail shop and told my nail tech we needed to switch it up. Her excitement was palpable. We shared a good laugh, the way women do over things like nail paint.
I approached a group of women working out in the park and agreed to join them.
I booked a trip to London and Paris.
I bought a tub my favorite ice cream. Twice.
I went on a few dates just to witness myself in that energy, to see me again.
After one of those dates, I felt rather unsatisfied and instead of heading home to dwell on that, I asked myself - what could fun look like for me today?
I walked into a bookstore and sat there for hours letting words take me to different scenes and conversations. Skimming through books, drinking coffee. No where to go, nothing else to do, no one else to be. A tingly joy radiated through me.
I signed up for a Friday night neighborhood party to expose my social anxiety to a new environment (not fun for me) but I wanted to experiment and see which version of me would pop up. How could I overcome the full body panic that wants to run? What memory would come out of this night?
I was holding a drink, forcing myself breathe through the discomfort, when a man with a perfectly shaped afro, a small purple purse and black bellbottomed jeans nudged me to join him on the dance floor. We two-stepped in silence, letting movement and smiles do the talking. Feeling delighted, I headed home.
There I was, in my bed, just finished masturbating. I’m eating butternut scotch cookies with Oreos ice cream, thinking to myself "this is for me."
_______
What I’ve gotten from these micro decisions, (while they’re not all champagne in a limo) is that I’m actively choosing to create moments for myself and stopping to intentionally label them as for me, for fun, for play. My goal is to feel more engaged with my day to day so the next time she asks me if I’m having enough fun, it’s a fuck yes.