How do you know when a friendship is dead?
Lately, I’ve been (over) thinking about friendships. Why do some friendships stand the test of time and distance while others fade away under similar circumstances?
Was one of them more compatible from the start?
Was one of them more genuine from the start?
What is a friend of the heart?
This reflection stems from my experience with a changing friendship. One where I'm asking myself about my role in the dissolution of the connection.
The last year took a major hit on friendships. Stress, changes to home and work life plus the inability to gather as frequently for so long. I think we all started to realize that some friends were already hanging by loose threads or convenience. Do you go to the gym to see your friend or are you “friends” because you go to the same gym?
So how do you know when a friendship is dead? It's an easier question for me to answer when there's sex or attraction involved. You just know.
Friendships are such a delicate balancing act grounded on the pure choice to have you in my life and maintain that. They require as much attention, curiosity, and playtime as romantic relationships. They also seem to require a lot of what relationship excerpts call bidding. A bid (in any relationship) is an attempt to connect.
In romantic relationships, these can be non-verbal such as rubbing your back. In friendships, a verbal bid can be asking when you’re free.
I'm not great at bidding in friendships. My hesitancy is directly tied to my ongoing challenges with taking up space and the many stories and assumptions I create around that. (Shout out to my therapist)
For these reasons, likely as a defense mechanism, I choose to play a passive role in my friendships. My first assumption is that if I haven't heard from someone then other things are taking up priority --- there is a lack of time. I operate under the assumption that you know if you bid I will turn towards you and acknowledge your bid. I'm here. I will be here. On the flip side, when the active role (played by the other) starts to fade or when they stop bidding, I assume we're slowly fading.
I'm having to examine that this passivity might be affecting growth, longevity, and depth in my interactions --- that some friends have more tolerance for this. But the reality is that friendships have this ongoing churn where some deepen and others weaken depending on your stages of life.
How do you know when a lack of engagement correlates with positive or negative feelings towards the friendship? Or when someone is simply expecting you to bid for a change?
What is friendship ghosting? When has too much time passed?
And where should your guilt start and stop?
A quote I think about often:
Good Reads
Start Paying More Attention to Bids - If you're curious about bids in romantic relationships. Bids are often purposely subtle because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It’s scary to say, “Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!” so instead, we ask a question or tell a story or offer our hand for connection."
You Can Only Maintain So Many Close Friendships - "Falling in love will cost you two friendships. Who your friends are changes constantly. You don’t throw away all your friends and start again, but you have this kind of churn going on."
The Pandemic is Showing Us Which Friendships Are Worth Keeping there’s [a lesson] that comes with age and increasing obligations: We don’t have to catch up with everyone. Some friendships won’t survive this time, and that’s okay.
I’m Watching
Update: Sex, Love & Goop was surprisingly really enjoyable and thought-provoking. I recommend. I’ve thought about how I breathe during sex. “Are we running a marathon?”
The Five Juanas on Netflix - Five women with the same birthmark set out to unravel the truth about their pasts and discover a tragic web of lies spun by a powerful politician. I'm really into this unique storyline. I'm watching it in Spanish, can't confirm it will hit the same in English but it's a good, well-paced thriller.
I'm listening to:
Esther Perel - Where Should We Begin. Episode 2 Losing My Best Friend. We meet a woman who feels that her friend is rushing into a marriage to someone she doesn’t approve of.