I have questions...
"There are years that ask questions and years that answer." One of my favorites.
Winter hibernation has led me to contemplate some big questions and based on recent conversations, it seems like I’m not alone.
Summer gives you the luxury of sunny days and plenty of distractions. Winter offers plenty (maybe too many?) moments of stillness, and spaciousness to notice what’s working, what’s not, where you are, and where you want to be.
I've been using the beginning of lockdown as a marker of time. I'm dancing in this grey space where I don't quite feel like the person I was two years ago but I can't really identify with my current self. It’s not yet clear to me what she's seeking or how to get there. It's easier for me to recognize who I'm not (how I've changed) versus who I am. This disconnect from "self" certainly comes with a sense of loss and a heavy dose of discomfort. For instance, a loss of interests or people that don't move you anymore. There's also the loss of feelings that came with them. Euphoria, energy, motivation, thrill, and the loss of the person you were as a result of them.
As you age, there's a constant rediscovery of who you are, how you value your time, and where you want to spend your energy. Phone calls that once excited you are now an easy pass. An invitation to a night out quickly turns into a question of whether you can afford to be hungover all day tomorrow. And these are just minor examples.
This rediscovery and evolution of you comes with a slew of heavier questions.
How do you rediscover yourself after two years in this fog?
What do I need more of?
What do I want to change?
Where do I keep fumbling?
How much longer do I want to live in this home or stay in this city?
Is it time for a dog?…real shit.
One of the interesting things about getting older is being a witness to the lives of those closest to you, observing and learning from the various ways in which your loved ones navigate big questions and big changes. We're all dealing with a slew of emotions stemming from the new desires and new realizations growth comes with — excitement, fear, doubt, motivation, even stagnation for some. I’ll go ahead and claim confusion and discomfort boldly.
But with or without your contemplation and active participation, you are experiencing a metamorphosis. It may take you more time to figure out the next right step or how exactly to bring yourself out of the soil and into your blossoming. Be gentle where you can. Ask more questions of yourself and others. It opens up pathways to commonalities and opportunities to share wisdom.
I can tell you this…sometimes, on a random grey day, with the radiator humming in the background, I get a little hope, a little guidance, a little light that reminds me that life teaches you how to live it the more you live it. Stay curious. Stay patient. It’s all unfolding in Divine timing, under Divine guidance. And maybe hold off on the dog for a bit, kid.
Tell me, what big questions are you coming up for you lately?
Good Reads
Letters to a Young Poet - I loved this one. A great read for anyone living a deeply contemplative life. "I ask you, dear sir, to have patience with all that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like closed rooms, like books written in a foreign language.
Streaming
Euphoria - on HBO. The best show on TV. Talking about change...these kids are going through it. "As the classmates struggle to make sense of their futures, the series tackles the teenage landscape of substance-enhanced parties and anxiety-ridden day-to-day life with empathy and candor."
Stay Close - on Netflix. A thriller with a surprising twist. "The lives of a photojournalist, a soccer mom, and a homicide detective are disturbed by a terrible event from the past."
The Lost Daughter - on Netflix. Raises questions about sacrifice, regret, and motherhood. “I’m not a natural mother.” That painful disconnect—between what Leda wants and what she feels she should want—animates the film. Is anyone a “natural mother”? How much does society expect women to sacrifice for their children?