You know when you’re writing with a pen and the ink starts to fade and then all you can see is the indent of your attempt on the page? That’s been happening to me all week. How can 3 pens by my bedside all be fading at the same time? When this happens to me it feels like a firm hand choking me and not like fun, sex, choke me Daddy, like actually restricting my airways. Preventing me from getting the thought out. Preventing the release.
It reminds me of The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue, a book about a woman who makes a deal with a dark entity that grants her eternal life, but curses her so that the moment anyone turns away from her, she’s gone from their memory. She can’t leave any physical mark, she can’t leave any writing behind.
I’ve thought of Addie all week (yes, I think about fictional characters) because the parts of the book where she attempts to write and the words disappear gave me such a visceral reaction. I felt that same shortness of breath. Imagine a world where you couldn’t write? How unsettling is that? Think of your favorite form of expression or your preferred way to release your emotions…what if you just couldn’t do it anymore?
I’ve been trying to get back to sharing on here more often. I’ve been writing, I’m always writing. There isn’t a shortage of things to say or questions to explore or feelings to unpack. There is, however, a ton of overthinking going on and, somehow, also a shortness of attention to each thought. I’m moving on quickly, scrolling past them, clicking in and out of mental tabs on a loop.(anyone else compare their brain to an actual mobile experience? no? cool.)
Writing is one of the ways I make sense of thinking so I’m still doing that. But, I hit a wall where I started to feel that in order to publish in MY OWN Substack (how rude) I needed to have this perfect framework of “problem, solution, conclusion and wisdom.” There is an overflow of youngins on here (eye roll) writing dissertations on life wisdom. Between too much of that, a shortened attention span creating fragmented thoughts, and feeling like I have no wisdom to offer at this stage of my life, I’ve pulled back from sharing and found myself on my phone more often.
Libra season has also taken me on quite the ride this year. I’ve felt more undecided than usual which, as a Libra, you think it can’t get any worse than your normal indecision and then your season hits and you’re incapacitated. Naturally being able to see 2 (or more) sides to every…single…thought can be exhausting. From what’s for dinner to work decisions to personal decisions that carry significant weight. By the end of the day I’ve managed to think my way into an exhaustion that isn’t physical. I’m beat. It’s a wired and tired feeling. Like my brain was doing sprints all day. (Interestingly, the soles of my feet have also been hurting for weeks. Coincidence? I think not.)
I’m always processing in search of the right decision or the most diplomatic approach, the move that will keep the scales most balanced. When you do this constantly, you end up with a bunch of mental tabs that you click in and out of for weeks simply because you’re trying to find the “best path forward.” What if I trusted that every first thought is the best next move?
To minimize some of this ruminating and the incessant scrolling on my phone, I’ve tried a few techniques and activities.
One is what I call “Going with my First Mind.”
Whatever the first thought I have --- whether it’s which mug to have coffee in or the email draft to finally respond with --- I have to follow through with it. That’s the rule. I can’t negotiate it, circumvent it, weigh it, pull it back, consult anyone…whatever the first thought was, that’s what I’m acting on.
The challenge with this is that it requires me to both slow down and speed up. I’m slowing down to notice what the First Thought was because I’m still not trained for the Others to stand back. I have to pause and acknowledge the first one. Awareness has to tell the Brain that we’re moving forward. At times, it even requires Awareness to stand up for the First Thought. Defending it against the Others.
As you can see there is still quite a bit of mental gymnastics going on but after doing this consistently, decision by decision, for a few days, the Others start to fall back and First Thought gains more confidence. The nervous system starts to follow along.
Two other activities that help me are Brain Dumping and Q&A.
Brain Dumping you’re probably familiar with - it’s making a list of every thought, every tab that’s open until your hand stops moving. I like to number them. This helps by creating distance. It builds a room for all my thoughts to exist without requiring me to process each one too deeply. WHAT A RELIEF TO SEE IT ALL ON PAPER. But wow, no wonder you’re restless m’lady.
Q&A, as I’ve named it, is a technique I found here on Substack (probably from a youngin lol). The idea is to write in dual voices and just observe where the conversation goes. You do this for 20 minutes - no description, no setting, no names. Don’t reread it. The next day come back and do it again. The characters may vary each day or they may be he same. It’s a freeing exercise that allows for this dynamic between these two voices to unfold and as the more you do it, interesting patterns may start to emerge.
I use this technique when I want to shift quickly into Awareness mode. It’s another way to remove the ping pong of trying to land on the perfect decision and just letting the Brain work it out on its own. I get to just observe the dialogue.
My two voices happen to be a speaker and an interviewer and they always carry the same energy which is how I landed on Q&A. (Cute right?)
I also think it’s a bit of a fantasy of how I wish therapy would actually go but… I digress. This is truly one of my favorite exercises. It really digs up a lot in a very fast manner if you really commit to it. Since you’re busy writing what each side is saying you loosen the control. I know that probably sounds bugged out but I encourage you to try it. It’s pretty fun.
Lastly, I’ve put my phone on “Downtime” from 10a-8p. During this window only certain, necessary apps are available, the rest are greyed out and time limited. Why am I doing this? There is a sense of restlessness happening with me and it’s definitely tied to an overload of information mixed with overthinking.
Candidly, this approach hasn’t stopped me from being on socials but, so far, it has definitely decreased the amount of time I spend on them. It’s honestly unsettling how challenging it’s been to get back to baseline. Last time I decided I needed this type of break from my phone, I did so with such ease. This time around I feel like working around something I can’t break away from so easily.
I’m craving less external stimulation, less images, less access to other people’s words. I want to see what comes up for me as I spend more time internally. I’m yearning to feel a creative connection again. I’m looking for something to pull me inwards and inspire me to use my thoughts in new exciting ways, to feel feelings that seem distant.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m on autopilot. I’m getting through the days looking for the next opportunity to lay down but the thing is I’m rarely laying down to rest my eyes, my fingers, my mind. I’m laying down looking to be mildly entertained. The Internet (bless its heart) is full of mild entertainment but it’s actively destroying access to parts of me that I really enjoy spending time with. It’s usurped that creative time and frankly, I want it back.
Anyways…what ya’ll been on? I need new pens.
I’m Watching
On Netflix: Lorne. Through star-studded interviews and archival footage, this documentary explores how Lorne Michaels built "Saturday Night Live" into a comedy institution.
The New Yorker at 100 also on Netflix. A look at the past, present and future of the The New Yorker magazine as it marked its 100th anniversary. This shows the writing, editing, creative process behind the magazine.
Good Hang with Amy Poehler - still a happy place for me. The Marcello episode was a rollercoaster.
Good Reads
The Bright Years and The Burning Side are the best books I’ve read so far this year. Both written by Sarah Damoff. If you want character development, slow burn, human stories and family drama. Give Sarah a chance. She’s quickly become one of my favorite writers. “Marriage is a carousel for those who can stomach the cycles of it, orbiting an axis of children and money, of fear and brute determination. And—in some cases—of love. It's for those who can survive coming back around to the starting place to discover that it has been subtly but irrevocably changed. We are right where we started, but we are not as we were.”
Up next: I’m starting Things we Never Say next by Elizabeth Strout which was apparently of one Barack Obama’s favorite books of the Summer.