If I had to write to you

If I had to write to you I would tell you that it seems like every one I know is balancing a thousand glass plates on one foot and we’re terrified of letting anything fall. If I had to, I would tell you that we're all trying to keep a brave face in the process. I would tell you that as an observer the common theme is that that we're all trying our best. Really trying.

I would tell you that I feel so disconnected from my creative self. That I avoid pen and paper, that there is a force keeping away from expressing myself. That I am consumed with and drained by my daily obligations. That all I want to do is disappear with no consequences. I wish I could tell you that rest, or alcohol or substances seem to help, but no. There is no amount of gluttonous consumption that helps me feel lighter. I would do anything for a moment of temporary delusion but I am permanently aware of the balancing act. I would tell you that there is daily judgement around how wholly tiring I find Adulting as a single person - with no partner to compromise with, no children to raise. My responsibilities seem so minimal compared to others, my situation seems so manageable. I would ask you to help me understand why this feel so challenging.

I would show you where it's concentrated, right here above my belly button. I would grab your hand and ask you to press it against my chest and breathe with me. My tears would probably break right then and I'd cover my face the way we do when we don't want others to witness our despair.

If I had to tell you anything right now, I'd tell you that this feels really hard but I'm trying my best. That's what I would like you to remember.

Then, I would ask you to tell me a story.

What does it look like where you are right now? What are you feeling right this second?