Pretending is part of it
I am running out of ways to respond when they ask me how I’m doing because the truth will drown anyone it comes in contact with. A raging sea roars inside of me.
I've been struggling with self-expression because the release I need is foreign to me. I’ve been struggling to write because writing is not screaming.
I have such few words and so much unpredictability in my energy. So on the days I can barely muster a response, I pretend. I give answers they can handle. I push through as a shell of myself and when I’m alone I remove it. That is part of managing my depression.
“Unlike winter, when I can blame everything on the elements, summer inverts those conditions, leaving me with nobody to blame but myself. The enemy comes indoors.” - Haley Nahman
Summertime sadness leaves you feeling depleted with nothing but bed rest on your mind and not because you’ve been outside soaking up the sun. Not because your legs are giving out from adventuring. Not because your body is tired from hours of belly laughter.
You feel depleted because you carry this invisible weight in every room and in every conversation no matter how sunny it is outside. When the world is energized, vibrant, and spontaneous, you feel the opposite and there is no room for it.
You swallow tears in the elevator
at the doctor's office
in the grocery store
at the hair salon
And swallowing is exhausting.
You feel fatigued because pretending is part of managing it and pretending is exhausting.
My battle with depression is 10 years old this summer. I've known it long enough to finally notice the patterns. To name an episode when I’m in one. To finally accept that the physical ailments are also part of the package and not some cancer I need to Google. I'm versed enough to know this feeling ends and experienced enough to know that it returns just like Summer does.
GOOD READS
Season of Envy - On “the eagerness to make the most of a sunny day that also feels a little bit like fear.”
Epiphany in the baby food aisle - Motherhood is terrifying to me and this read encapsulates a lot of what I imagine it to be. “No one wants to believe that in the moments you felt the most peaceful, the woman cradling you so softly was shielding you from a sword that she herself was holding. Every mother you know is in this fight with herself. The sword that hangs over her is a sword of exhaustion, of frustration, of patience run dry, a sword of indignation at how little she feels like a human when she so often has to look and behave like an animal.”
STREAMING
Yellowstone - Family drama featuring Kevin Costner (forever daddy). IMDB rated this 8.7/10. This show has everything you want to see in a drama. Amid shifting alliances, unsolved murders, open wounds, and hard-earned respect, a family of ranchers in Montana is in constant conflict with those it borders -- an expanding town, an Indian reservation, and America's first national park.