Reasons to Survive
I never know what's going to trigger a depressive or anxious episode. I'm often surprised to wake up with such angst, darkness, despair, overwhelm, or uneasiness. Like someone stepping on your chest first thing in the morning. Oh, hello world. Even more difficult are the days you wake up feeling energized and uplifted and then, unexpectedly, mid-fucking-day, you get rocked with a wave of sadness, and suddenly you're underwater, gasping for air all day. I've tried over the years to find the patterns, to notice the time frames, to predict, to control. How easy, beautiful even, it would be if like the weather forecast you could get a heads up, allowing you to plan around it.
This summer, I came across the below poem, Reasons to Survive the Apocalypse by Nikita Gill. She shared "I wrote this on one of the darkest days of my life. I hope you can find a bit of peace in it too".
Sunrises. People you have still to meet and laugh with. Songs about love, peace, anger, and revolution. Walks in the woods. The smile you exchange with a stranger when you experience beauty accidentally together. Butterflies. Seeing your grandparents again. The moon in all her forms, whether half or full. Dogs. Birthdays and half-birthdays. That feeling of floating in love. Watching birds eat from bird feeders. The waves of happiness that follow the end of sadness. Brown eyes. Watching a boat cross an empty sea. Sunsets. Dipping your feet in the river. Balconies. Cake. The wind in your face when you roll the car window down on an open highway. Falling asleep to the sound of a steady heartbeat. Warm cups of tea on cold days. Hugs. Night skies. Art museums. Books filled with everything you do not yet know. Long conversations. Long-lost friends. Poetry.
-Nikita Gill
Nikita’s poem inspired me to write some of my reasons to survive. I’ve continued to tweake, edit and add to this for almost 6 months now. Send me yours?
Unexpected Laughter. Naps. Creative inspiration. A suspenseful thriller. Stories about women. A surprise gift. Acts of service. Oysters. Snuggling into crisp white sheets in a hotel room. Room Service. A pen gliding across the page pulling the words from your mind, into your arms, onto your fingers and through the smooth ballpoint. Yoga. The high of a good workout. A new book. A new book. A new book. A fresh blowout. Cigarettes and croissants in Paris. Slow mornings. French fries. Pasta. French fries and pasta, together. Canceled plans. No plans. Watching the Warriors, by myself. Chiefs football. Pancakes. Walking into a speakeasy. Lust. Sexual Tension. Dinner on vacation. Your hand on the back of my neck. Solo dance parties. A new favorite song. Mental stillness. Palm trees. A beautiful sentence with words strung together so perfectly you wish you wrote it.
May we all find reasons to keep going, to survive.
Streaming
Where the Crawdads Sing - On Netflix. I judged this book by it’s cover and didn’t read it when it was the book to read. I gave the movie a chance and…wow. Surprisingly good writing, good pace, twists and an unexpected ending. Highly recommend.
The Worst Person in The World - On Hulu. Norwegian film, nominated for 2 Oscars. I love a good story about regular life. Chronicling four years in the life of Julie, this modern story about the quest for love and meaning explores a young woman’s navigation of the troubled waters of her love life and career path.
Reading
What My Mom Taught Me About Sex: Growing up, my mother prioritized being with men above all else. Today, I’m still reckoning with what that meant.
A Super Strange Love Story: My Disappearing Fiancé: After years of avoiding love, I found a match that seemed almost too perfect. We were practically walking down the aisle before I realized it really was too good to be true.