Returning home. The setting that framed you. Your foundation. It holds your inner child, the good and bad memories of your development. The scent, the decor, the portraits of your childhood milestones. Home has this way of encapsulating all of this and almost freezing time. But who you are every time you walk through that door has evolved a million times over. With every visit, you’re reentering this relatively unchanged setting as a new version of you.
And then, think about the other characters in this setting - your parents - who likely, at their core, also haven’t changed. But your perception and understanding of them as adults evolves with every visit. It’s almost like they start shedding a costume they’ve worn for so many years. The “parent” costume. As you age, you become intimately familiar with their habits, flaws, vices and quirks. You start to see remnants of long standing conflicts, traumas, weaknesses and tension that were likely invisible to your childlike mind but now you’re finally peaking behind the curtain. This can be illuminating and heartbreaking at once. While you’re finally privy to the true, adult version of these individuals you’re also forced to release or mourn what they once represented to you - sturdy, responsible, elegant, all-knowing, your protector, your caretaker.
And then…just as you start to see them with new eyes and understand them better, they start needing you differently. Whether it’s sickness or just old age, your role in their life starts to change. Now you’re a caretaker, an assistant, a financier or a tech wizard. This transition is not just about you needing to take on more, it’s also the realization that they can handle less. At times, this isn’t just about tasks, it’s about emotions. They’re finally able to dump some their stressors on you, to open up and share parts of themselves that you couldn’t take on as a child.
My time at home is usually a mixture of task management and emotional regulation. I usually find myself begrudgingly showing up. My inner child comes through with eyes that judge and ears that lack compassion. The “parent” that often felt cold, absent and consumed with worries is now an aging adult that needs my help, needs my undivided attention, craves for it like children do. This process requires softness, compassion, patience and presence. Precisely what I needed as a child. Visiting home is often this strange tug of war between being forced to see them as who they are now - elderly adults who need me - versus the adults that raised me.
This weekend I had a breakthrough. I found gentleness, I found acceptance and patience. I found a layer of compassion that I’ve been trying to access for so long.
It hit me as I tossed and turned…prior to having me, these people had traumas, habits, flaws, vices and quirks. They, like you, have wounded inner children. There are all these little moments in our development that stay with us and affect us as we age. It’s easy to forget that about your parents. They have been and continue to battle their own shit. While raising you they made decisions with the emotional intelligence and knowledge they had at the time. Helping as they age is just as much about showing up for this fragile, elderly person as much as it is about about recognizing their inner child needing validation.
The rest of this road will be a dance between observing and playing supporting character as best I can, with the emotional awareness and knowledge I have now. It’s a delicate dance of heart-swelling compassion, extreme patience and presence in our shared journey.
Good Reads
The four F’s of trauma response and the four Roy kids of Succession: Succession, on HBO, is an excellent family drama, I highly recommend. Here, the author breakdown the underlying story of abuse the show tackles through camera angles and subtle language. Fascinating.
What Become a Parent Really Does to Your Happiness: It’s a daily toss up for me on whether I want to become a parent so I tend to read a lot about it. “Research has found that having children is terrible for quality of life—but the truth about what parenthood means for happiness is a lot more complicated.”
I’m Watching
Love Life on HBO: I’m enjoying this more than I thought I would because it tackles more than just romantic relationships. Season 1 Episode 7, focuses on the main character’s mom and how her own childhood wounds influenced her parenting style. “Narcissism, when examined with compassion, is a trait that comes from not feeling special enough to deserve love, belonging or a sense of purpose.”