Lately I've been battling a number of internalized voices, societal expectations and seemingly unconscious beliefs. I've been finding it difficult to not keep busy. I'm stuck in a cycle of never ending to-do lists and this incessant voice telling me to optimize my self - my work, my body, my days. I'm finding it very difficult to relax.
Relaxing for me this year is more like laying on my couch with a notepad near by. A task comes to mind, I lean over, grab the pen and write it down. I can't get through 15 minutes of any “relaxing” activity or time that I carve out to just “be” without the nudge that I can use this time more “productively." I put those in quotes because what the fck does that even mean?
I feel hyperaware of this concept of adulting - the practice of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult, especially the accomplishment of mundane but necessary tasks, as the dictionary puts it.
I’ve been thinking about adults who are raising children. The unimaginable energy and time management required to upkeep a home and a LIFE for more than 1 person. I think about their endless to-do lists that are triple the length of mine.
I, as a party of 1, find adulting to be so incredibly demanding mentally and physically, all consuming and never ending. But there’s another level to this that I’m challenged by. It’s not just the mundane tasks. It’s the additional internalized beliefs and practices that I’ve picked up along the way. I'm affected by the persistent suggestions and calls to be your best self and to excel in all areas. Suggestions which I believe women are subjected to 100x more than men are.
Allow me…
Keep a clean, organized, decorated home. Keep up with the seasons darling.
Make time for socializing (avoid the loneliness epidemic)
Find and stick to hobbies
Show up for your aging parents as needed
Show up for friends
Respond to messages in a considerable timeline
Lift weights to fight bone density
Walk 10K steps a day
Prioritize “self-care”
Combat signs of aging (gua-sha, massages, facials, retinol, bedtime serums)
Drain your lymphatic system (yup)
Eat a magical amount of protein for muscle growth (See bone density above)
Book trips, travel!
Yoga for hip mobility (see aging above)
Make time for creativity
More fruits and vegetables
Meditate for your mental health
Listen to your body (doctors, follow ups, therapists)
Find opportunities to grow your career
Whiten your teeth!
Always be learning (Artificial Intelligence is coming for your job)
And please be present, be grateful
Where does this come from? When does it stop? How much of this is driven by social media images of other women seemingly conquering their days and their homes. The endless tips and tricks for better, faster, cleaner, hotter ways to be. Where does my pressure to adopt these practices stem from? Who are you when you're not constantly producing, optimizing, and finding ways to make yourself better?
I've been craving a day of nothing. No phones. No commitments. No plans. But the truth is that I can very easily make that a reality. All my time is exclusively MY time. I have no responsibilities other than my self. And somehow, this self, is more than I can carry on a given day. I can't turn off the robotic, productive, all-star achiever voices. All I can think about are the endless tabs I have open, all the things I didn't check off that day and how I'm going to find time to get to it tomorrow. What I’m craving is deeper than “no plans.” I’m craving a disconnect from these beliefs and daily practices that consume me.
Give yourself grace, they say. Grace. So elusive, so overused.
And you know what? Any advice given on this topic is just going to add to my to do list.
Anyways. Toodles, I’m off to yoga.
GOOD READS
Athleisure, barre and kale: the tyranny of the ideal woman - “It’s very easy, under conditions of artificial but continually escalating obligation, to find yourself organizing your life around practices you find ridiculous and possibly indefensible. Women have known this intimately for a long time.”