Trusting, trying
I often reread my old drafts because I enjoy editing more than I do writing. It's a treasure to find these little fragmented thoughts that I usually have no recollection of writing. It ends up feeling like some wise woman talking to me from the other side. This week for instance, I found this:
Silence is the vehicle that will get you across any roads no matter how twisted they may seem from afar. When you pull up to it, the answers will come to you. They always do. It always works out in the end and if it doesn't, it's not the end.
Apparently I wrote that in February 2020. Couldn't tell you what was happening to me then but I can tell you what's happening to me now and why this message feels so aligned.
Earlier this week, the financial stability I had known it for the last 6 years was stripped from me. I was laid off, unexpectedly, completely blindsided.
Since then, I've been waiting for this tsunami of anxiety to drag me into never-ending tears, shortness of breathe, someone stepping on my chest. I'm waiting for my legs to tingle and the floor to open beneath me, the quicksand to swallow me up but I haven't had that experience.
I have felt the smallest waves of fear, a quick "what the fuckkk?" runs through my bones like a sudden breeze but it settles so quickly. Instead, this voice keeps coming in whispering words of confidence, positivity, guidance and protection. The wave passes and my focus shifts to my breathe and I remember that it's an 80 degree day, the sun is beaming on my balcony, the palm trees are doing their dance, the water is glistening.
I shared this with a friend recently and she said to me "it could also be your subconscious has a knowing your mind hasn’t caught up with yet."
Is that inner knowing what we call wisdom?
Wisdom is something I think about often. To me, it’s a combination of knowledge, strength, skills that you gain with time, age, with experience that then shifts how you show up moving forward. Maybe the stillness that I feel is the wisdom of 10 years of meditation, intentional prayer, daily alignment, yoga, therapy. I feel more curious than I do fearful. Curious about how this will unfold, how I will show up, how my beliefs and practices can sustain me. Curious about how I can make this fun.
But I also feel hesitancy in accepting this curiosity over the insurmountable fear I expected to show up first. There is a part of me that feels I need to prepare for the storm that is The Anxious Woman that lives in me. My therapist urges me to allow feelings to show up when they do. She reminds me that anticipating anxiety is a form of anxiety. It happens to be that right now I feel closer to the The Wise Woman in me. That I am being held by some inner wisdom and that’s the only woman I need to make room for right now.
So while I wait for whoever, whatever, whenever, I’m turning to one of my favorite prayers. The Trust Frequency prayer by Paulette Pipe (linked on Insight Timer). I found this prayer in 2022 and it’s become a daily practice. I add to it depending on what I'm needing that day. I share this with you in hopes that if you're also needing to trust whatever version of yourself is with you right now, you can find comfort in these words.
I affirm in the stillness of this moment.
I am remembering who I am.
I recall the times I have overcome, pushed through or manifested a timely miracle. I am renewing my trust in Divine Source as I remember there is always sufficient for the day.
So I choose to trust
I trust that I am enough
I trust that I am worthy of this sacred journey to wholeness
I trust in the process of life
I trust in the healing powers of love
I trust in all that is good and true in my world
I trust in Divine Guidance, Divine Protection, Divine Realignment
I trust that everything is unfolding in Divine timing
I trust in my friends and family
I trust that I am aligned to the people, places, opportunities and experiences that are in alignment with highest, grandest self
I am grateful for the opportunity to reset and reframe my attitude and mindset as necessary. I give and receive from this elevated awareness
And I love that by Divine Grace just when I find myself at a point of doubt I am bestowed and an unexpected and immeasurable gift.
And so it is.
Good Reads: You’re Allowed to Have Dark Moods, a Time magazine essay written by Mariana Alessandri. “the potential payoff of sharing dark moods with confidantes is huge: genuine connection, co-feeling, compassion, and a real sense that we are not the only one forging a path in this beautiful and terrifying world.”